MIIB

Crack Rating

More Crack The the Streets of Philly, Less Crack Than we Want to Give to Will Smith's Head.

MIB II stars Will "Dumbo Ears" Smith as Agent J, who must reintroduce Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) in order to save the world from an evil Medusa-like alien disguised as a Victoria's Secret model. Also starring Jack Ass's Johnny "hit me in the nuts" Knoxville, as a super annoying alien with a second head that he keeps in a backpack.
As I am so neutral about this movie, I will simply pick it apart like a giant chicken attacking a crowd of yummy looking Japanese. First of all, Will Smith gives the worst performance ever by a black rapper on a song. Sound-track very poor. But aren't they all these days.
The best thing about this movie was that the leader of the MIB is the actor who plays General Martog, a Klingon from DS9 who kicks some major ass. Unfortunately, his MIB character is a cross between Bruce Lee, Lex Luthor, and Michael Jackson. Unfortunately, it was mostly Mr. Billy Jean. Those scissor kicks of his were weak, feminine and most un-Bruce Lee-like. If he was back on the Klingon homeworld, he would have his penis sliced into pieces and then served to his former pet targ.
As for agent "M"... best part of the movie. And it explains all about Michael Jackson's weird skin pigmentation, and his habit of inviting little boys over to his amusement park. I did some research and the popcorn at the amusement park has 250% more butter... it's obvious he is fattening the kids up to eat them. And why is his park private? So the aliens can use it, of course. The dog agent was just fucking gay. Seriously gay. Only added for comic effect, that you would have to be gay to find funny. I hope that gay dog gets eaten by Michael Jackson.
I must complain... the best joke in the movie was in the previews, the one about black drivers getting pulled over. So thanks a lot, Hollywood.
Thinking it over, this movie drips crap... it is so shitty it's amazing. Its like Will Smith made a movie as the Fresh Prince, then they crossed it with an episode of Andromeda, then Michael Jackson came all over the plot, leaving character motivations that were puzzling and chaotic.

How to improve this film: Get Johnny Knoxville, Will Smith, Jar Jar Binks and that annoying Dog, line them up and shoot them in the head with a tweeter gun. Why Jar Jar? Because those Star Wars jackasses didn't take the Phantom Edit's hint* and kill off Jar Jar Binks in the Clone Wars. Fuck you Lucas.
*The Phantom Edit was a highly applauded 45-minute film released on the Internet one week after the release of The Phantom Menace on videocassette. Its creator edited the film to completely erase Jar Jar Binks without disrupting the plot. A pissed off George Lucas found the guy and sued him for $25000.