Contestants
  • Clan Hollywood
    • Pamela Anderson
    • John Travolta
    • Andy Dick
    • Pierce Brosnan
    • Sylvester Stallone
    • Ashton Kutcher
    • Eric Cartman
    • William Shatner
    • Adam Sandler
    • Carrie Fischer
  • New York Tribe
    • Jennifer Aniston
    • Tony Danza
    • Paul Reiser
    • Mark Messier
    • Tiger Woods
    • Sean Connery
    • Rosie O’Donnell
    • Bette Midler
    • Scott Bakula
    • Bill Gates
  • International All-Stars
    • Jean Chretien
    • Elton John
    • Nelson Mandela
    • Paul Hogan
    • Mel Gibson
    • Bjork
    • Jackie Chan
    • Celine Dion
    • Dalai Lama
    • Osama Bin Laden
  • Clan Zombie
    • Albert Einstein
    • Pompey the Great
    • Agamemnon
    • Napoleon
    • Winston Churchill
    • Joan of Arc
    • Catherine the Great
    • Genghis Khan
    • Richard Nixon
    • Merlin

Second Event: The Wall

The wall is made of smooth concrete and is 25 feet high. Unless the contestants work together, they will be unable to get over the wall successfully.
The team who climbs the wall first will win amnesty.

Hugh Downs - The real trick to this event is your last two competitors. They need to be tall, strong and to be able to jump high.
I think the edge in this event goes to the teams with less people. That will really hurt Team Hollywood, who so far has avoided losing any members.
Without anyone to really rely on to go last, team Hollywood is sure to lose. Plutarch, what do you think?

Plutarch - Hi Hugh, I’m here with the zombie team. Unless Merlin can work some magic, I’m afraid this team doesn't hold much of a chance at winning. Agamemnon, the team’s strongman, is not even 5'10. It doesn't look good here Hugh. What do you think about the International Team Murphy?

Murphy Brown - Despite the team’s elimination in the last round, they remain confident. Bin Laden has been training the troops hard and I think it's time for their first victory.
Expect a fast, organized start, capped off by Mel Gibson and the acrobatic Jackie Chan as finishers. Despite their lack of muscle, this team will do well.

Hugh Downs - Finally, we go to Dick Clark with the New York Team Captain Mark Messier.

Mark Messier - I think by losing Rosie O’Donnell in the last round we increase our chances tremendously. Her fat butt would have slowed us down.
Tiger and I will be anchoring this team, and we expect to pretty much chuck bony Mr. Gates over the wall right at the beginning. If we lose this, I'd be surprised.

Dick Clark - How do you respond to the critics who say Bette Midler's "I am a Princess" attitude may slow you down?

Mark Messier - Well if she was as massive as her ego we might have a problem, but I think we'll just end up tossing her over right after Bill.

Dick Clark - Good luck to your team, Mark. Back to you in the studio, Hugh.


Hugh Downs - It looks like we are almost ready for this second event. The teams are lining up opposite their respective walls.
Here comes guest referee Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton - Ok all you bitches. It's time to get on up, up, up that wall. My wife’s a gubernatorial whore. Good luck everyone. Go!
Hugh Downs - And they are off. Microsoft chief Bill Gates was sling-shotted over in about two seconds, followed moments later by a cursing Bette Midler. Napoleon and Joan of Arc go over quickly for the zombie team. Bjork and Celine Dion go over for the international team.
Lagging behind trying to lift William Shatner's massive gut over the wall, Pierce Brosnan has just shot Andy Dick to save time for the Hollywood team.
All the teams stop what they are doing and have a good laugh.

Jennifer Aniston and Scott Bakula are next over the wall for the New York team. Aniston just turned around and slapped Sean Connery for groping her butt. What a butt!
Catherine the Great is the next over the wall for the Zombie team. Merlin casts a spell and floats himself over! The zombie team has taken the lead!

Jean Chretien and Nelson Mandela take a little longer getting over the wall, being older men.
Bin Laden looks infuriated and loads a clip into his rifle, but thinks better of it and straps the rifle on his back and gets ready to climb.
Meanwhile, the Hollywood team has given up: they are not strong enough to lift Shatner and his massive gut over the wall. Adam Sandler whips out his guitar and starts singing.
Stallone immediately jumps on Brosnan to prevent him from executing another of his annoying teammates. Shatner lumbers over and begins to hit on Pamela Anderson. Ashton Kutcher hits on Carrie Fischer.

But back to the race. Einstein and Nixon get shoveled over the wall by Agamemnon and Pompey The Great and are getting ready to begin their team’s final assault at the wall.
Bin Laden and Elton John scale the wall as fast as they can, but it is clear the international team is falling behind.
Sean Connery and Tony Danza climb over the wall. Suddenly, Merlin hits Tony Danza with a fireball and the grease in his hair catches on fire.
While Tony runs around screaming in pain, John Travolta passes out 'Church of Scientology' personality tests to his team.

Team Zombie stalls! Agamemnon and Pompey the Great are too short to get over the wall.
Napoleon orders Merlin to go back over the wall, but Merlin informs him he is temporarily out of mana. Napoleon sighs and resigns himself to defeat.
Mel Gibson and Jackie Chan face a similar problem. Mel is too short to make the jump. Jackie is athletic enough, but not strong enough to lift Mel. As Jackie tries to lift Mel up, Tiger hoists Mark Messier up the wall and then jumps up and grabs his hand. Team New York has won!
Official casualty List for Round 2:
  • Catherine the Great
  • Andy Dick
Hugh Downs - We now go live to Team Hollywood, who has suffered a bitter defeat here today.

Vanna White - Hi there, I’m here with Team Captain William Shatner to talk about his teams embarrassing loss.

William Shatner - When I was younger, Vanna, it would have been no problem. The producers regularly made me strut my stuff wearing only those tight Star Trek pants. Now I’m a little bigger, more out of shape. I admit it’s disappointing, but to lose one early like this is not as important as winning later when it really matters. Still I was very disappointed today. I couldn’t even sleep with Pamela Anderson because she has Hepatitis C. That means, you lucky lady, that you are next in line.

Vanna White - MMM. Back to you, Hugh.


Hugh Downs - To recap: a good victory by Team New York.
As a result of tonight's execution draw, Catherine the Great from team Zombie was condemned to the random death of being slowly eaten alive by a really, really fat Polish man.