Contestants
  • Clan Zombie
    • Albert Einstein
    • Pompey the Great
    • Agamemnon
    • Napoleon
    • Winston Churchill
    • Joan of Arc
    • Catherine the Great
    • Genghis Khan
    • Richard Nixon
    • Merlin
    • John Travolta
  • New York Tribe
    • Jennifer Aniston
    • Tony Danza
    • Paul Reiser
    • Mark Messier
    • Tiger Woods
    • Sean Connery
    • Rosie O’Donnell
    • Bette Midler
    • Scott Bakula
    • Bill Gates
    • Pierce Brosnan
  • International All-Stars
    • Jean Chretien
    • Elton John
    • Nelson Mandela
    • Paul Hogan
    • Mel Gibson
    • Bjork
    • Jackie Chan
    • Celine Dion
    • Dalai Lama
    • Osama Bin Laden
    • Sylvester Stallone
  • Clan Hollywood
    • Pamela Anderson
    • Andy Dick
    • Ashton Kutcher
    • Eric Cartman
    • William Shatner
    • Adam Sandler
    • Carrie Fischer

Event 7: Pentathlon

The Pentathlon consists of the 800 meter run, the pole vault, shooting, fencing, and diving. Each team will select 1 person to compete in each event. The team that wins the most events claims victory.

Hugh Downs - The trick to most of these events is using the right person for the right event, and making sure you win the events you can while possibly sacrificing other events. I expect Clan Zombie to use Napoleon's genius to dominate in this event.
The Eight-Hundred Meter Run On Your Mark, Get Set, GO!

Hugh Downs - They're off! This is a tight race. These men are all going hard, with the shorter Stallone falling behind. Travolta is really working it; he's out in front. They are rounding the first corner.
They have stopped and decided to take a break. Valets, chauffeurs, and personal aids have entered the track to offer the three stars refreshments and much needed makeup. Ok, Travolta has changed into a leisure suit, while Stallone is in his 'Rocky' gym togs.

Hugh Downs - They're off... again! Travolta takes the lead again... he's rounding the last corner only 1 lap left. He's really starting to sprint, but what’s this? Scott Bakula is coming up from behind.
They are down to 200 meters and Bakula is making his move. Stallone continues to trail. Travolta is sweating all over the place. He's wiping his brow... and leaving greasy residue on the track behind him.
Bakula has tripped and fallen. Travolta holds off Bakula's late rush to win!

Hugh Downs - We now go live to Plutarch who’s with the winner.

Plutarch - John, would you like to say a few quick words about your victory?

John Travolta - Hey I'd like to thank my sponsor Pennzoil for giving me the key to victory and keeping my gorgeous hair in place.

Plutarch - Back to you, Hugh.
Pole Vault Hugh Downs - We now go live to the pole vault, where after a few warm ups, the contestants are getting ready to try and clear eight meters. Bill Gates has shown up wearing a computerized, super suit.
The judges appear to be arguing about it's legality, but it looks like they will allow it. Ok, Cyborg Gates is up first, and easily clears the bar. The other two contestants follow. The bar is now set to 8.5 meters.

Jackie Chan - 'Hrrn'

Hugh Downs - Jackie has managed to clear the bar with incredible agility. Bill Gates is going now, and he's just dropped the bar and is using his hover jets to get over. Agamemnon hurls his javelin and hits Bill Gates in mid-air, throwing off his trajectory. Bill hits the pole, and he's out! He's spinning now, out of control, heading towards the ground fast. BOOM! Dead on Impact.
Agamemnon is going to try to jump 9 meters now without his pole. Here he goes... he's sprinting hard... he’s moving fast... he approaches the jump... and he runs smack into the pole and knocks himself unconscious.
Jackie Chan is the unlikely winner! Bill Gates is a smoldering crater!

Hugh Downs - Lets go to Murphy Brown, who’s with our victor.

Murphy Brown - Jackie, what an amazing result for you. What were you thinking coming into the contest?

Jackie Chan - Hey Lady. I was like, I'm a monkey, right, which means I can swing and do acrobatics, right, but these guys were cyborgs and giant soldiers, right, so I got lucky they kill each other. Luck of the Chinese.

Murphy Brown - Indeed. Back to Hugh and the next event.
Shooting Hugh Downs - We go now to competition shooting, with three experienced competitors in probably the tightest contest of the Pentathlon. A South African ex-guerilla, a French Artillery General, and a Hollywood action star will shoot for victory. Once a competitor starts shooting, he only gets 1 second to retarget his next shot or he is disqualified. I'd say the edge goes to Nelson Mandela, as he would be most used to modern competition pistols. He will shoot first.

[B][L][A][M] BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM.

Hugh Downs - Looks like he’s hit the inner ring six out of eight times, with two bull’s-eyes, giving him 36 points out of a perfect 64, which are all bull’s-eyes. 007 Pierce Brosnan is next, and he'll be using a silenced PP3 pistol.

[Ptoo] PtooPtooPtooPtooPtooPtooPtoo

Hugh Downs - It looks like a better score for 007, with seven out of eight in the middle circle. However, with no bulls-eyes, he scores only 35 points, and trails Nelson Mandela by a single point.
Up steps Napoleon, nervously cradling the unfamiliar pistol.

[B][L][A][M] BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM...

Hugh Downs - He's missed the target three times. He won't win this match. Look out he's turning the gun on his competitors.

BLAMBLAMBLAM.

Hugh Downs - He's killed them both. Nelson Mandela's brains are everywhere! Brosnan is bleeding heavily but he's trying to get up. He's almost on his feet. He's trying to strangle Napoleon, but Napoleon is smacking him with his scepter. Brosnan's good looks are gone ladies and gentlemen. He's starting to bleed out. It's all going fuzzy...

Napoleon - Triumph Napoleon!

Hugh Downs - It looks like our winner is...

Judge Judy - Stop the games right now. Video evidence shows Napoleon pausing 1.13 seconds between firing his fifth shot and his sixth shot. He is disqualified.

Napoleon - Tete de Merde!

[B][L][A][M] BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM.

Hugh Downs - What a surprise, Napoleon has just shot Judge Judy. A lot. However, her ruling stands. This event has no winner.
Fencing Hugh Downs - En Garde everyone! It's time for the fencing event, a three-way free-for-all of thrusting and parrying.
Each contestant is a skilled fighter: Sean Connery was Ramirez in Highlander, Mel Gibson has starred in several historical war movies, and Pompey the Great is a Roman General. Should be a great match folks.
It looks like each contestant has chosen a different sword, with Connery choosing a Spanish cutlass, Gibson going with a Spandroon Sword from the American War of Independence and Pompey going with the Roman Gladius.
Interesting choices for a fencing event.

Hugh Downs - The match has started, with Connery and Gibson ganging up on the most experienced fighter, Pompey. Pompey is backing away as the two fighters try to get him between them. Pompey is focusing his attacks on Mel Gibson, who has the weakest sword.
Connery has scored a point by lightly ticking his sword tip off Pompey's breastplate. The crowd thunders with polite applause.

Hugh Downs - Pompey has just caught Connnery with a surprise kick to the mid-section. He whirls and attacks Gibson with a ferocious slash that shatters Gibson's blade. Gibson throws his pommel at Pompey, hitting him in the wrist grieve, causing Pompey to drop his sword.
Connery is up and attacking, and Pompey backpedals. He's yelling in Latin for his squire to bring him his spear.

Hugh Downs - The judges have cautioned Pompey on breaking the rules. Mel Gibson, meanwhile, was attacked by Connery while trying to retrieve Pompey's gladius. A quick stab to the shoulder, followed by a beheading, and this is a two-person match.

Pompey the Great - I am defenseless, my opponent has bested me. I must resign.

Hugh Downs - A great murmur of complaint has arisen from the bloodthirsty crowd here, but the match is officially over, and the contestants quickly leave the arena. A valuable and important victory for the previously winless New York Tribe in the Pentathlon.
Diving Hugh Downs - We are at the final event of the pentathlon, all tied up at 1 event a-piece. With the events all tied up it comes down to Merlin and Jennifer Anniston - Elton John is the heavy underdog for the event. Jennifer Anniston will dive first.

Hugh Downs - It looks like she will be attempting a Flip with a twist into a reverse dive. The most difficult maneuver on the program. Lets watch and see how she does.

*Splash*

Hugh Downs - Well, she completed the dive, though her form was loose and she made a large splash. Now comes the best part... Jennifer Anniston in a wet bikini. Lets show her getting out of the water again a couple of times in slow motion.

Hugh Downs - Ok, those were REALLY fun, but now back to the diving. Elton John is next. He will be attempting a double forward flip into a belly flop.

*Smack*

Hugh Downs - He does it! Huge splash! Total success! Unfortunate that his jump is worth so few points.

Hugh Downs - Ok, It's time for Merlin the wizard to jump. He will be attempting a flip, teleport, twist, flip, teleport, flip, flip, teleport, flip, flip, twist, teleport, cannonball. An interesting and very illegal combination, as the teleport maneuver has yet to be authorized by the international divers federation.

*Pwoosh*Pwoosh*Pwoosh*Pwoosh*SPLASH*

Hugh Downs - Total success on the combination, but Merlin will have to be disqualified for using the 4 illegal maneuvers. Lets go to slow motion shots of Jennifer Aniston again.
Official casualty List for Round 7:
  • Elton John
  • Mel Gibson
  • Pierce Brosnan
  • Nelson Mandela
  • Bill Gates
Final Results:
The Eight-Hundred Meter Run - Clan Zombie
The Pole Vault - International All-Stars
Shooting - No Winner
Fencing - New York Tribe
Diving - New York Tribe

Exemption Winner - New York Tribe

Hugh Downs - It looks like Elton John has won the random execution. He will be forced to compete in the high dive drenched in blood and jump into a pool filled with hammerhead sharks.