Contestants
  • Clan Hollywood
    • Pamela Anderson
    • John Travolta
    • Andy Dick
    • Pierce Brosnan
    • Sylvester Stallone
    • Ashton Kutcher
    • Eric Cartman
    • William Shatner
    • Adam Sandler
    • Carrie Fischer
  • New York Tribe
    • Jennifer Aniston
    • Tony Danza
    • Paul Reiser
    • Mark Messier
    • Tiger Woods
    • Sean Connery
    • Rosie O’Donnell
    • Bette Midler
    • Scott Bakula
    • Bill Gates
  • International All-Stars
    • Jean Chretien
    • Elton John
    • Nelson Mandela
    • Paul Hogan
    • Mel Gibson
    • Bjork
    • Jackie Chan
    • Celine Dion
    • Dalai Lama
    • Osama Bin Laden
  • Clan Zombie
    • Albert Einstein
    • Pompey the Great
    • Agamemnon
    • Napoleon
    • Winston Churchill
    • Joan of Arc
    • Catherine the Great
    • Genghis Khan
    • Richard Nixon
    • Merlin

First Event: The Longboat Challenge

The event is simple. Teams of ten paddle their longboats through a snake-like course to the finish line. The winning team is rewarded with exemption from random executions.

Hi, this is Hugh Downs in Survivor Central. Welcome folks to a bright sunny day here in London at the Thames River.
The river's a little polluted, but considering the stakes, I'm sure most of our contestants will die in other ways before the river can do them in.
The zombie team doesn’t seem very concerned about the water, but they are arguing among themselves about who will be team captain. Let's go to Zombie team correspondent Plutarch for the details.

Plutarch - Hi there, I’m here with the Zombie team. These great egos of history seem to have trouble deciding on a leader or a strategy, small wonder. Lets listen in to see what happens.

Joan of Arc - God has told me that I must lead.
Napoleon - I am Napoleon.
Genghis Khan - I will kill you all where you stand.
Winston Churchill - I won two wars. Bloody hell, pip pip and all that. I should be leader.
Catherine the Great - I ruled the Great Russian Empire.
Agamemnon - I led the Greeks in the sack of Troy.
Pompey the Great - I was the greatest general in the Roman Republic.
Albert Einstein - It is relatively clear to me that we can expect many problems ahead. Perhaps multi-round elections where we cannot vote for ourselves?

Plutarch - It looks like the zombie team is holding elections. Winston Churchill is about to give a speech.

Winston Churchill - "Mmm Hello my fellow distinguished and honored..."

Plutarch - Great Augustus! Genghis Khan just cut his head off! There's blood spraying everywhere.



Plutarch - Augustus' ghost! Now Napoleon has just shot Genghis in the head.

Napoleon - "I shall now lead you all. No refusals! Triumph la juste! Triumph Napoleon!"

Plutarch - So it looks like after a bloody Machiavellian coup, Napoleon has seized leadership of the Zombie team. Too bad they are down to 8 players already. This early violence could mean disaster for the team in the early rounds.


Hugh Downs - Thanks Plutarch. Now lets check in with International All-stars correspondent Murphy Brown.

Murphy Brown - Hi everyone, remember me from the 80s? Well, anyways, the international team started out today in high spirits, after learning that Russell Crowe would not, in fact, be participating in this contest.
I’m sure that millions of people the world over are happy for the same reason. Despite having several experienced world leaders in their ranks, it was pretty obvious who would seize leadership of this team.

Osama Bin Laden - Every one of you sit in the boat and shut up or I will shoot you right in the head, praise Allah. And Paul Hogan, if you make one more 'Crocodile Dundee' joke I'll cut your balls off.

Paul Hogan - That’s not a knife. This is a knife.

[Blam]

[BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM]

Osama Bin Laden - shut up! shut up! shut up! Praise Allah!

Mel Gibson - Quite the Lethal Weapon you have there.

Murphy Brown - It looks like they are ready to race. While shooting Crocodile Dundee may having been a bad move by Bin Laden, I'm sure Australians around the world are going: 'Thank God, he's finally dead'. Back to you Hugh.


Hugh Downs - Now lets head to the New York Tribes' headquarters for a pre-race sneak peak with Dick Clark.

Dick Clark - Thanks Hugh. I'd say this is the team to beat. They have athletes, money, and some very powerful human weapons. Anyone who's heard Bette Midler sing knows what I mean.
It looks like they have selected former Rangers captain Mark Messier as their leader. So long as it isn't Tony Danza, I think everyone will be happy, even Tony Danza.

Mark Messier - I have only one rule. No one touches my Lays Potato chips. Now lets get ready to win people.

Dick Clark - Back to you, Hugh.


Hugh Downs - Thanks Dick for that brief and non-bloody report. We will go to our final team, Clan Beverly Hills, as soon as they finish exiting their limos and greeting the press. Ah, here's our Beverly Hills correspondent, Vanna White.

Vanna White - Well hi Hugh. We're talking with William Shatner, captain of Team Hollywood. Bill, why do you think your teammates chose you.

William Shatner - Well, I’m pretty easy going, and I have had a long career in this town, but the truth is I’m the only one who is actually not a real actor. I have no hang ups and I’m not egotistical.
When you deal with this sort of group, you have a lot of egos to satisfy, and since I haven’t had any real acting gigs in years, I have plenty of time on my hands. Besides, I get to play Captain again, and that’s always fun.

Vanna White - Well good luck to your team. I'd say you are going to need it.

William Shatner - Thanks a lot. Say, how about dinner lady, baby.

Vanna White - Back to you in the studio.


All right and it looks like the teams are getting ready to enter the boats. The zombie team is ready, with napoleon at the bow, wearing his dress uniform. He's the perfect size for that coxswain job.
Looks like the Hollywood team have refused to board the boat and have whipped out their contracts to check the fine print.
The international team is settling into their boat. Mel Gibson appears to be wearing his 'Braveheart' war paint.
Ok the Hollywood team and the New York teams are now getting into their boats. Hold on, there’s some commotion from the New York team. Jennifer Anniston is waving her hands up in the air.

Jennifer Aniston - No, no, no, stop, Stop! Dear God, bail out everyone! O god, not my pretty hair!

New York team members are bailing out of their longboat. It looks like it’s cracking in half under the enormous weight of Rosie O’Donnell. There it goes. The New York team is in the water and Rosie is on her way to the bottom of the Thames.
Looks like Team New York will be disqualified for the first round.
[CRACK]

And they are off. All teams stroking hard, and this is a close race, but not for long. It looks like Osama Bin Laden is firing on the Zombie boat with his Ak 47. Joan of Arc has taken a bullet in her torso, but of course, you can’t kill zombies with bullets. Napoleon is dodging and falling back. He fires back with his musket, aiming right at the waterline.
Looks like the race is over for team international, as Napoleon has succeeded in blowing a giant hole in their boat at the waterline!
Team Hollywood is now well ahead, and paddling hard with their full crew, but they appear to be getting tired. Eric Cartman is puffing like a chain smoker!
Here comes team Zombie! Their light bodies help them glide through the water, under the power of the great Agamemnon, who spent his entire life in Greece rowing and fighting.
With only 50 yards to go, team zombie has overtaken team Hollywood to take the checkered flag and win that all-important amnesty.
Hugh Downs - Here’s Plutarch with Agamemnon, Team Zombies' round one hero.

Plutarch - Great rowing out there. Way to make the most of your talents.

Agamemnon - Well thanks. It was definitely due to Napoleon's leadership. If he hadn't sunk that other ship I doubt if the rest of my team would have kept going. Poseidon has blessed us this day.

Plutarch - Napoleon do you have any comments on the race?

Napoleon - Toujours, Triumph Napoleon.

Plutarch - Back to you Hugh.


Official casualty List for Round 1:
  • Paul Reiser
  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • Paul Hogan
  • Winston Churchill
  • Genghis Khan
Hugh Downs - What a stunning outcome, with the team least favored to win coming out on top. The result of the random execution is in. It looks like Team Hollywood will be losing Paul Reiser. Goodbye Paul. Suffice it to say, no on will be 'Mad About' losing 'You'.
The method of execution has been chosen at random from thousands of entries. It looks like he'll be chained to the ground and walked on by none other than John Cleese, who will silly walk until Paul dies of internal bleeding.
This execution was brought to you by McDonalds Restaurants; McDonalds: Why live a Long and Healthy Life; and by the House of Knives: Get Our Newest Model, The Castrator!

For DTS Sports, I’m Hugh Downs, Signing off.