Final Contestants
  • Napoleon Bonaparte
  • Merlin

Event 11: The Final Fight

Welcome fans to the battle to end all battles!

Hugh Downs - That’s right, it’s the battle to end all battles here at Caesar's Palace.

In the red corner, weighing in at a mere 140 pounds, carrying a wand and dressed in sparkling crimson, MERLIN THE MAGICIAN!
In the blue corner, with the blue uniform of a French Marshal and the scepter of authority over all Frenchmen, Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte!
Here comes our guest referee.

Don King - Gentlemen, I want clean fights. No summonings, no French. My fighters are not dirty fighters. Don’t Bite the Ear. Everyone has been paid, so, lets get it on!
Hugh Downs - They are coming out swinging! Napoleon has just smashed Merlin in the jaw. He kicks him in the shins. He knees him in the midsection. Merlin has dropped to one knee, but the referee has separated the fighters.

Don King - Hey foo, this is boxing. No knees, no biting. You and Tyson, o man the dirty fighters. Do that again and I’ll end this fight. Don’t test the Don King.

Napoleon - Ta mere est un bouffon et tu es un grande damme sans un penis.

Don King - You little froggie motherfucker, that was French. You are penalized. Don’t you be testing the Don King, y'hear? The Don King is the MANNNNNN. Bring out the torture booth.

Hugh Downs - Here comes the torture booth. It’s a soundproof chamber equipped with deafening speakers. Lets see what Napoleon is going to be subjected to.

Don King - First infraction: Rod Stewart - Do You Think I'm Sexy? On repeat for an hour. Take that you French bastard.
Napoleon - Non, Non, Non, pas ca, quelqu'un d'autres, s'il vous plait! Mon Dieu, Non!!! Ahhhhhh......

Hugh Downs - A fate worse than A Syrian prison.

[One Hour Later]

Hugh Downs - And we are back. Napoleon is looking a little disheveled, and I've been told he threw up during the 6th repetition of that o so annoying pop song. What was he thinking speaking French?

Don King - Ok foos, now you tasted the Don King's vengeance. Respect the Don King's authority. I want a clean fight. No wookie neck rubs, y'hear?

Hugh Downs - The fighters square off. Napoleon wants to end it quick. Jab Jab Jab. He's really working the body. Merlin doesn't seem to have any fighting skills at all. Without the power to summon something, it really puts the wizard at a disadvantage.

Merlin - Man to chicken.

***Flash***

Hugh Downs - Merlin has just turned Don King into a giant chicken. Lookout, there's no referee!

Merlin - Fireball!

***Fwoosh***

Hugh Downs - And Merlin has just roasted up Don King. The match will be stopped while we find a new referee. Meanwhile, I'm heading down to get me a piece of Chicken a la Don King.

***Mmmm num num mmm ~urp~ mmm***

Hugh Downs - Good Chicken. We're back here in Caesar's Palace, and our new referee will be none other than TV's Bob Sagat.

Bob Sagat - What do I get when I load all the writers of Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos into a Mini Van and Drive it off a cliff? My career back! He He He He! Hi everyone. I’m Danny Tanner!

***Fwoosh***

Hugh Downs - ...

Hugh Downs - And we're back again with another new referee. WWE's The Rock is here to keep order.

The Rock - Ok, lets get down to business. No fireballs. No Summonings. No metamorphings. And no French. The Rock does not like French.

***Fwoosh***

Hugh Downs - And yet another referee has been barbequed. Lets listen in as the Paramedics try and revive The Rock.

The Rock - Can you smell the Rock cooking?

Hugh Downs - And with those last words, the most electrifying man in sport entertainment history goes to his grave.

Ok let’s pause a minute from this insanity to bring you these messages:

[I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight...]

Hugh Downs - Whoa Jesus, is our network ever going to get sued for that one! Ouch! Anyways, we have our new and hopefully final referee, Superman!

Superman - Ok you two, play fair. If you do something bad, I'll know about it. I want a clean... hold it, I hear sirens. I'll be right back.

Napoleon - Je te tuerais!

Hugh Downs - Napoleon has launched a surprise and very illegal attack against Merlin. Merlin is summoning a flying dragon. Napoleon pulls out his pistol and has shot Merlin, but a magic shield just went up to save him.
The magic dragon is swooping down at Napoleon... this could be it!

SWOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHH BAM BAM BAM

Hugh Downs - Superman is back and he's fighting the dragon! He has saved Napoleon.

Napoleon - Zut!

Hugh Downs - Napoleon is falling back, firing again with is pistol after arduously reloading it. Merlin is firing lighting bolts at both Superman and Napoleon.

TZAAAAAAAAAAP

Hugh Downs - Napoleon is hit and twitching on the ground. Meanwhile, Superman just tore the wings off the magic dragon! Merlin is running towards Napoleon. He makes himself invisible!

TZAAAAAAAAAAP

Hugh Downs - Superman has just hit Merlin with a heat beam. Merlin blocks it with a piece of Chicken a la Don King. He takes a bite! MMM, still good!

Hugh Downs - Superman punches Merlin, and Merlin flies backwards through a wall. Merlin is hurt ladies and gentlemen. He’s staggering to his feet. He launches a large blue ball at Superman.

FWOOOOSH

Hugh Downs - Aiiie the light flash was intense folks, and no one saw what happened, but Superman is gone! Has Merlin killed Superman? Merlin is limping over towards Napoleon's semi-conscious form.

Merlin - And so it ends, pathetic king of man. I send the to Hades!

Fizzzzz

Hugh Downs - Whatever Merlin was planning to do, I don’t think it worked! What a blow! The wizard is OUT OF MANA! Ha Ha. He's beating Napoleon with his cane but he's hardly hurting him! Napoleon is standing up.

Napoleon - Maintennant, c'est fini!

Hugh Downs - He's hit Merlin hard in the head with his royal scepter, and Merlin is bleeding. He hits him again and again. Merlin isn’t going down.

Napoleon - Sans la tete!

Hugh Downs - He has just knocked Merlin's Head clear off! Merlin has turned to dust! We have a winner, We have a winner! Napoleon is the winner of Celebrity survivor!
Official casualty List for Round 11:
  • Don King
  • Bob Sagat
  • The Rock
  • Superman
  • Merlin
Hugh Downs - Lets go now to Plutarch who is with the champion.

Plutarch - Wow, what a great achievement your highness. I guess we all have just one thing to say: thanks for making the death of Bob Sagat possible.

Napoleon - Oui, j'etais tres heureux quand Bob Sagat est mort.

Plutarch - So what will you do now that you are back alive and free?

Napoleon - Several men from the UN want to talk to me about 'war crimes?' and then I am going back to my native Corsica.

Plutarch - And what will you do there?

Napoleon - Raise an army. I’m going to Euro Disney - to kill that stupid mouse and rule his kingdom.

Plutarch - Felicitations et bon chance mon roi.

Napoleon - D'accord, de rien. Triumph Napoleon!


Hugh Downs - There you have it! Napoleon knocks off Merlin's head in the 5th round to gain victory. Truly one of the greatest sporting events of our time. Well at least until:

Celebrity Survivor II!

Coming... Whenever. Sometime. When we get around to it. But don’t hold your breaths.