The Contest of Champions


Welcome to the DougTheSlug.ca fight club.
Full contact! No-holds barred! To the death!
Rules are simple: kill the opponent with style.
Opponents and Locations are not known to the contestants until the fight has begun. Fighters are allowed to bring any weapons they choose. Each wild and exotic location will bring untold perils and opportunities for both fighters.

Now let's meet the Fighters: [In alphabetical order]

Batman - The Dark Knight of Gotham is an expert in hand-to-hand combat and many weapons but will never use a gun. He dresses in black and hides in the darkness, sneaking around quickly and quietly. He solves crimes and takes down criminals using superior tactics, intelligence and physical fighting. He intimidates through fear and the threat of force.

Big Bird - This 8-foot tall intelligent avian has a 12 inch long beak. He loves to hug, do crafts, play games, and sing songs. He lives on Sesame Street.

Bob Barker - The charismatic host of The Price is Right, he is excellent at guessing near to the price of an object without going over. He is an excellent fist-fighter, and has an entourage of scantily clad blond showgirls.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - This super hot teen has super strength and toughness and fights vampires, demons and other undead. Her biggest weakness is her curfew. She prefers a stake for use in slaying Sunnydale's unusually large vampire population.

Chewbacca - This 7 foot tall Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk has been known to tear the arms off of those who beat him in games. He fights with a bow-caster, barehanded, or beats people with any arm he manages to acquire. He is not, I repeat, not, an Ewok. Wookies hate water, and Chewie is no exception.

Data - Star Trek TNG android with the ability to move and calculate many times faster and better that a human being. He is made of durable alloys, and has heightened senses, all maintained by his positronic brain. Has experience with many weapons, and can pilot most vehicles expertly.

Jean Claude Van Damme - Famous movie tough guy is actually only 5 feet 4 inches tall and a frequent visitor to cocaine rehab centers. The "Muscles from Brussels" has acted the part many times... this time, it's for real. No camera angles to save you now, shorty.

Leonardo - Former leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and master of the sword. He has grown into adulthood fat from too much pizza and crack. Living on toy, merchandising and television profits during the 1990s, he now lives back in the sewers, next to a guy named Bob with one leg and a crack whore named Lavernia.

Mahatma Ghandi - Famous Indian leader and pacifist who advocated peaceful protest and non-violence. Can blind his opponents with his bald head.

Moe - This bartender from the Simpsons is a kind gentle soul unless provoked. He has experience tossing drunks out into the street.

The Punisher - Weapons expert and Vietnam vet who hunts criminals because the mob accidentally killed his family. Straight shooter, urban tactical genius, and always wears his kevlar.

The Terminator - Cyborg killing machine sent back in time to kill John Connor. Bears a striking resemblance to Arnold Swartzenegger. Durable, well trained, unstoppable. Query:\\ Have you seen this boy?

The Tick - Bright Blue costumed hero with incredible strength and toughness, but less than incredible intelligence. Ok, he's a little dim. Fine, he's a total moron. His battle cry is the word 'spoon'.

Velociraptor - A man-sized dinosaur that hunts in packs and kills its prey with giant claws located on its feet and hands. Can move very fast and jump quite high.

Wile E. Coyote - Still trying to catch the road runner or steal sheep from the sheepdog. Hasn't succeeded in about 50 years. Able to recover from fatal falls, explosions, crushings, and beatings.

Xena the Warrior Princess - She can run, ride and fight as well as any man. She pretends to be straight, but the power of the lesbian is strong in her. She reduces her opponents to laughing tears with her AIE AIE AIEEE battle cry. She has a disk that can break the laws of physics and bounce off things to return to her hand every time.
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